Mother's Message to Missing Son: 'I Am Still a Mother Without Her Child'

By Autumn Johnson

If Shane Anest is still alive, he’ll be 32 on Monday. Anest disappeared 10 years ago, leaving behind a mother plagued by unanswered questions and unresolved grief. In a raw and honest letter addressed to her missing son, Sandy Dawson shares the anguish a parent endures after a child vanishes [see below].   

Anest was last seen in September of 2003 at the Archstone Apartment Complex at 5650 Owens Drive. Dawson says that her son may have run away from legal trouble he was experiencing at the time, but adds that she’s never been able to rule out the possibility that something more sinister happened.

"Shane was arrested a couple of times for drug charges and a DUI about 12 years ago," Dawson said. "He was doing fine after he had been arrested. He had a girlfriend, got new friends and was working."

Police have an active missing person's case for Anest. Pleasanton Police Lieutenant Jeff Bretzing says there have been no new leads in the case and that Anest is no longer wanted by police for any warrants or crimes. Earlier this year, police released an age-progressed sketch drawn by a police sketch artist to try to find some new leads in the case.

[Related article: Pleasanton Police Release Sketch of Man Missing Since 2003]

Shane,

You have been on my mind a lot lately. Even more so than usual. This year marked the tenth year you have been missing and still I am no closer to knowing what happened and where you are. The pain never goes away. The wondering never ceases. I don't know if you are dead or alive if you've started a new life and are happy or in your own personal hell. (Trust me you are not alone. I am right there with you.) Do you know what this does to me? It makes me cry every time these thoughts cross my mind...  The pain cuts to the core of me. You have taken a piece of me with you, not just my heart but my spirit as well. I haven't been the same since you left and I wonder if I ever will.

I would have thought that somehow the pain of not knowing would soften or become something I would grow use to but it's not like that at all. The burden, the heaviness, the cut grows deeper. It makes me doubt myself as a mother. It makes me feel ashamed, embarrassed and guilty. Guilty of not being there completely for you that day in court so long ago. I was there but I trusted your fate to others. If only I could go back to that time, if I would of been allowed to talk to you. Maybe you would of listened to me, you often did and your life, our lives would of turned out differently. But I did not know the decision that you faced and for that I will be eternally sorry. I don't know if I can even ask you to forgive me... I hope you have, though, and the emotions don't stop there. I'm angry too. I feel betrayed, followed by resentment because I wasn't informed or kept in the loop, I should of been there to guide you in the situation you found yourself in. Instead as a young man scared of going back to jail or even the thought of prison you made a poor decision which haunts us now...

When people ask me about my children and how many I have I never know what to say. I am proud I have a son, but because of my shame embarrassment and guilt I never know how honest to be. I can't take all their questions... I can't stomach the answers and the thought of what they might think of you or of me as your mom. So instead I tell half truths or I'm evasive. Hiding from the truth... I hate it. I want to tell people about my son. The son that I knew. The son that any mom would be proud of... all your accomplishments, your life up to that point, the people who mattered to you, how you gave thru your personality, heart and laughter... but I can't. They wouldn't understand. They would hear the word drugs and DUI and turn away, forming opinions all their own. I hate the thought of that! What they don't understand is that even though you made some poor choices, which we all have, you are still my son. That this doesn't define your whole life. It doesn't take away from my love for you now; no matter what I will always love you... please know that has not changed one bit. I am still a mother without her child. One who misses him every single day. One who prays that I will see you again.

As a young adult you made a unwise decision that caught up to you before long. Because of those decisions I feel as I am being punished. I have released all guilt and shame surrounding this and other situations over and over again. But I am still deprived of knowing what has happened to you and in your life for the past ten years. I have been robbed of birthdays, holidays and memories. My one saving grace was a gift I received from an angel. She blessed me with a picture of you, how you would look now... it's the only one I have and I cherish it. I see it... you... every day and sometimes can even smile at it; at you. It gives me hope that you are alive...

I play thoughts and feelings over and over again in my head.  I always tried to be there for you. I always made it a point to make sure that you knew that I loved you and that you and your sister were first in my life. At times I may of been disappointed or upset with you but that never diminished the love I had for you. My love for you never changed and still hasn't. I think of the things I wish I would of done differently, things I would of cherished more, remembered more of... the "what ifs"... still no resolve... no peace for me.

You can bring me peace thou, Hon. You are the only one who can. Please let me know that you are alive and happy. Please at least ease my mind of that. If you have moved on and no longer want to be a part of my life I can try to understand that... However, I will respect it. It is your life. I JUST need to know you are ok...

Forgive me my ramblings... so many thoughts... so many things to say... this only scratches the surface....

Tomorrow I should be spending your birthday with you, celebrating you, your life and most of all... your birth. The day you were born was so amazing and it marked one of the best days of my life. I had a complete family. Not only a beautiful daughter but a son too. So healthy and full of life, I felt an instant bond with you. My childbirth with you was so easy that it amazed even the doctor. You came into the world so quietly, without stress, It was all good. I never could of imagined your story would turn out like it did. I never wanted this for you, Shane. I wanted you to have a full happy life. One surrounded by family and friends who love and support you. I can only pray that you have this now. That you have made a life for yourself and are sharing it with your own family and friends.  I wonder about that too... your family.... (The thought that I may have more grandchildren and not knowing them adds to my pain), but hopefully adds to your happiness. So for your birthday today I pray that you have found peace, a fresh start. I pray that you are happy and fulfilled and that your life is good... and I pray you know I love you and that I am still here for you... always will be. 

Happy birthday, Shane Michael......wish I was with you. Love you and miss you so, so much.

Love Always,

Mom

P.S. Just in case you are reading this I have moved back to California just five miles from your sister. And please trust me and hear what I am saying that if you ever want to come back home I am here waiting. There is NO reason at all that you can’t come back now....your past is just that, your past.

*****