Could Pleasanton Support Zip-to-School lines?

Editor's Note: The editors of Pleasanton Patch, while intrigued by purported news of a Zip-to-School commute program in Pleasanton, are wary of the curious timing with which this news was delivered to columnist, Cameron Sullivan. We strongly suspect that Sullivan, in reporting this story, may have been taken for a fool - an April Fool. Readers decide, please.

Zip-to-School, a Pleasanton-based grassroots organization, announced this morning that it has received tentative approval from advocates of the city of Pleasanton, the Pleasanton Unified School District, the city’s department of Economic Development, and Wheels to construct an elaborate set of aerial, "Zip-To-School" commute lines,

It’s a story you’ll only see on Pleasanton Patch.

Beginning with the 2011/2012 academic year, students of PUSD will have the opportunity to ride zip lines to various schools across town, according to a press release delivered to this columnist just after midnight on April 1.

The program, organizers say, is aimed at getting kids to school on time while calming , bolstering parental sanity and promoting good air quality by eliminating car exhaust.

“This just recently became a council priority,” said Pleasanton Mayor Jennifer Hosterman during an early morning phone call with this Patch columnist. “It’s also a health and safety issue. So we’re going to expedite the construction of the zip lines as quickly as possible, so we can get those kids to school as safely as possible.”

Information released exclusively to this column explained that each standard-occupancy holster of the emission-free Zip-to-School lines will accommodate up to three children, three 30-pound and two 10-pound musical instruments or sporting gear bags.

A series of heavy-duty caribiner-style hooks and bungee cords will connect passengers to weight-bearing wires crisscrossing Pleasanton at altitudes of 250 to 800 feet.

To ensure Zip-to-School lines move smoothly and safely through the routes, students will be encased in bubble wrap prior to boarding and swiftly off-loaded to concrete ramps outside each school. Traffic control officers will encourage youth to swiftly move clear of the zip-lifts when unloading.

In addition, Zip-to-School organizers are currently in negotiations with the owners of the Dodge Ridge Ski Resort in Pinecrest, to run a free Zip-to-School training program this August for Pleasanton students.

Subsidized in part by various local agencies,  Zip-to-School rides will be available to each PUSD student at a cost of $1 per round-trip ride (standard occupancy) to and from school.

In addition, the Zip-to-School Program will offer a discounted yearlong pass for the 2011/2012 school year. Passes may be purchased for $250 (standard occupancy).

A feasibility study earlier this month showed that certain neighborhoods will support high-occupancy Zip-to-School routes. These routes, serving Ruby Hill, Castlewood and select other communities, will offer non-stop transportation to Amador Valley High School and Foothill High School at a cost of $2 per round-trip ride, with up to 15 teen-agers per Zip car.

On-board hot chocolate and doughnut service will be provided for an additional 50 cents per high-occupancy route rider. Rainy-day riders will be treated to under-seat floatation devices and automatic umbrella service.

An elaborate Zip-to-School route design, illustrated in the accompanying map, provides several routes operating at speeds of up to 15 miles per hour during the 30 minutes before and after opening and closing school bell schedules.

Each zip line route is triggered by a carefully-timed scheduling system to prevent backups or collisions near junctions or at drop-off points.

In addition, a glass-enclosed parental observation deck will be constructed from the rooftop of a soon-to-be-vacant Hacienda Business Park . The space will be outfitted with telescopes, a Peet’s barista and baked goods sold by Pleasanton CORE fundraising team members.

Hosterman touted the environment benefits and also noted the Zip-to-School program provides educational benefits.

“Not only is it a health and safety issue, but it will allow Pleasanton students to soar with the hawks,” said Hosterman, who is a licensed falconer.

According to unconfirmed PUSD water-cooler whispers, a secondary intent of the Zip-to-School program aims to reduce tardiness and truancy rates by increasing the fun factor of school commutes.

To launch the Zip-to-School lines as quickly as possible, the project will be powered by the strength and forbearance of members of the PUSD board of trustees.

But by November, academic improvement plans require that Zip-to-School lines be powered by a wind-energy factory in the West Dublin hills (not in our back yards) for which hot gusts will be provided by California state legislators unable to adequately fund education.

Due to the dumbfounding nature of this story, the writer was unable to reach city employees before press time. But officials who requested anonymity said of the Zip-to-School program, "The concept sounds exciting, but anyone who believes this is, well, rather foolish."

Come to think of it, locals may be familiar with the fact that columnist Cameron Sullivan has been known to now and again.

The editors were correct: The columnist has been taken for a fool - an April Fool.

 Cameron Sullivan is the author of the blog, Candid Cameron.