Looking forward to 2012, I realized that I needed to make New Year’s Resolutions. Not the traditional feel good, ho-hum ones you forget about the next week like dieting, stopping smoking, and exercise. I mused and made a list in no particular order:
1. Stay Out of the Pool
Spending the day at the Aquatic Center reinforced the fact that I am simply too old and out of shape for public consumption. Looking around, I realized that in order to enjoy the pool, I needed breast implants, liposuction, Botox, a Coppertone tan, a skimpy bikini, and beaded sandals. I have been weeded out by un-natural selection.
2. Stop Helping Kids with Homework
If an AP Honors math calculator, McGraw Hill textbook and a Bachelor of Arts in math and statistics were not enough to help my student with math homework, there was nothing else I could offer. Challenging word problems, geometry and fractals have left me crying uncle one too many times. I decided to just give up. Call the teacher.
3. Quit Drinking Water
I will stop drinking water due to the guilt trip. Bottled water is bad for the environment since the plastic ruins landfills. And the water softener guy told me that I shouldn’t drink tap water because too much chlorine poses a serious health risk. I’m going back to diet soda.
4. Read a Paperback Book
With books stores disappearing as fast as the ozone, I feel like I’m traveling on the Underground Railroad searching for an actual paperback book. Can you mark up the pages with a pencil and highlighter on Kindle? Loan the Nook to a friend? Read a book before they’re gone.
5. Don’t Read Menus
New health laws have ruined it for us by posting the calorie count at restaurants. Is it really necessary to remind me that I eat a day’s worth of calories in one meal at a place like the where the Bistro Shrimp Pasta has 2,285 calories and a slice of cheesecake has 1,326 calories? I’ve lost my appetite.
6. Laugh Often
Laughter reverses aging, relieves stress, and strengthens the immune system. Read “I Remember Nothing” by Nora Ephron. Watch The Middle or Modern Family. Go see stand-up at Tommy T’s Comedy Steakhouse. Play FatBooth on the iPhone. Spend time with friends that make you feel good.
7. Procrastinate More
Stay in your pajamas all day. Eat breakfast in bed. Use the time to catch up on shows you’ve been meaning to watch all year. I have 10 episodes of The Bachelor Tivoed and want to figure out the meaning of Jersey Shore.
8. Layoff the Laundry
Laundromats rarely experience the high volume that our household outputs. My husband declared, “None of that is mine. I go to the dry cleaners.” Let the laundry pile up and refuse to wash it until someone helps. Remind your family to double up on deodorant and wear clothes twice. I figure they’ll notice I’ve stopped around Martin Luther King Day when they run out of underwear.
When it comes time for you to make resolutions, keep it easy to follow. And if you insist on including weight loss on your list, according to Jay Leno, “Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average which means, you have met your New Year’s resolution.”
What are you waiting for?