After taking my son to get his permit at the DMV, I said to myself, "Hey, this place feels like home."
Everyone is always mad at you.
“If you don’t have an appointment, you’re in the wrong line,” says the first person I meet at the DMV, his nostrils flaring.
Returning home after grocery shopping, a wave of anger hits me in the face. “Did you remember the Pop-Tarts?” whines my son. “You don’t expect me to watch Castle on TV?” complains my hubby. There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.
There’s lots of eye rolling.
“Is this the line to renew your license?” I say. A huge arm points to the farthest corner of the DMV. “Read the signs, lady. It’s over there,” says the attendant, spinning her eyes like a top. You did not just roll your eyes at me!
At home, I approach my kids lying on the couch, texting. Dressed in my finest blouse and trendy jeans, my teenage daughter says with a loud sigh and an eye roll, “Are you going to wear THAT?” Hmmm, yes? Focus, ignore, and don’t appear weak.
People disappear for a long periods of time after you ask them a question.
Once you arrive at the front of the line to pay at the DMV, the cashier says, “I’ll be right back.” Or, “I’m going on break.” Woman, get back here!
Want to make the teenagers disappear? Just ask them to clear the table, load the dishwasher, take out the trash, or walk the dog. The Great Houdinis. Never lose eye contact even for a microsecond or turn your back on them. Poof!
It takes longer than necessary to do a task.
Plan ahead if you want to get something accomplished at the DMV. Going on Saturday? Forget it. A state holiday or after 3pm? Good luck. Forgot the right forms of ID? Just make an appointment online for three months out. This may take longer than explaining Twitter to my mother.
If you ask the kids to do something, you better take a seat and prepare to wait. They agree to help and then stall for hours, hoping you to forget you asked. Our dog is still wearing his leash from yesterday.
No one listens to your complaints.
At the DMV, I ask the burly gentleman behind the front desk, “Excuse me. I’ve been standing here for two hours. Can anyone help me?” He glances over and says, “Ma’am you don’t need to yell.”
Your family ignores all requests. “Don’t put your muddy shoes on the sofa.” “How come no one ever turns off the lights?” “Can someone try to replace the toilet paper for once on their life!” “Do you have to be so loud?” Hello, is anyone listening?
You take lousy pictures.
Do you look like yourself in your DMV photo? I didn’t think so. Mine resembles a police line up, glassy eyed, angry and bored.
Ask your kids to take a picture of you and you’ll be lucky to get the top of your head in the frame. Are these the same kids who Instagram pictures by the hundreds and post thousands on Facebook?
Need I say more?
Stacey Gustafson has a humor column called “Are You Kidding Me?” based on her suburban family and everyday life. Her stories have appeared in Chicken Soup for the Soul: The Magic of Mothers and Daughters and Not Your Mother’s Book…On Being a Woman and On Travel. Check out her blog www.staceygustafson.com and Twitter at twitter.com/mepaint.
How is your life like the Department of Motor Vehicles? Leave me a comment.
